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Décembre, et le reste... » Sébastien pour toujours | Bloguez.com
 Décembre, et le reste...
9/12/2012
Depuis combien de temps est-ce que la nature me paraît si magique, si belle ? Je reste en extase devant tant de belles choses que la vie quotidiennement nous offre, soit du fait de la nature, soit de la main de l’homme. Je le savais avant, mais je ne regardais pas de la même façon. Je devais me dire que demain je pourrai encore regarder, admirer, demain, plus tard… Et puis un jour tu es parti pour ne plus jamais revenir à notre vie, et le « demain » a pris une autre dimension.
Ca y est, on y est, à ce foutu mois de décembre, où partout ce n’est que fête et tu ne seras encore pas là cette année, ni les autres d’ailleurs. Sixième noël, et pourtant. Je suis toujours émerveillée par toutes ces lumières, ces décorations, cette chaleur dans le froid de l’hiver, comme si je les partagais avec toi. Mais je crois que c’est cela, tu es si profondément présent chaque jour, que j’ai l’impression de partager avec toi ces sensations, ces odeurs, et chaque fois j’ai envie de dire « Sébastien aimait ça », « ça lui plairait à Sébastien », je ne peux pas faire autrement, je ne suis pas sûre de pouvoir survivre si on m’interdisait cela. Mais personne n’a ni l’idée ni l’envie de faire cela, je veux dire dans mon entourage, et c’est bon.
Il a neigé il y a deux matins, et un pic vert est venu dans notre jardin, beau cadeau de la nature, nous l’avons regardé comme un clin d’œil de toi, je l’ai pris en photo, mais malgré l’absence de flash et le double vitrage, il m’a entendue et s’est envolé.
Hier soir, j’ai vu un des garçons qui faisait du théâtre avec toi, Willy. Il a l’air d’avoir 35 ans avec son crâne trop tôt dégarni, je pense à toi, je te revois avec lui, la différence entre lui à ce moment et toi est si grande ! Lorsque je l’avais revue dans les moments de ta mort, il n’avait pas changé tellement, mais là, cinq ans et demi ont passé, j’ai pris en pleine figure que tu ne vieillirais pas, ça fait un mal de chien ! Je n’étais plus à l’aise d’être là, d’autant que depuis ton départ, il fait comme si je n’existais pas, avant il me disait bonjour et me parlait malgré votre entente médiocre, je ne rentrais pas dans ces considérations, il était comme les autres du théâtre, avec un peu de souffrance en plus, je connaissais son histoire. J’aurai toujours aimé exister en tant que « maman de Sébastien et Magali », je le suis toujours bien sûr, mais il y a des lieux que j’ai aimé parce que tu y étais passé, et que je fini par ne plus aimer car ton souvenir s’y efface. C’est la vie, les autres vont vieillir, ma douleur se transforme, se déplace, ma lourde pierre est pour toujours au fond de ma poche, je n’ai plus trop le droit de l’exprimer au dehors de notre intimité familiale proche, on ne me parle plus de ce que tu as été, c’est normal, mais qu’est-ce que c’est triste ! Comment peut-on imaginer qu’une maman, un papa, une sœur, un frère, puissent oublier que le leur est mort, avec l’incertitude du lendemain de la vie ?
Le 25 Marc et Magali viendront, ils se partagent dans les deux familles et c’est bien, ils n’ont pas voulu différer notre Noël pour que nous ne soyons pas seuls ce jour-là, c’est vraiment gentil, quand nous seront ensembles, nos appels silencieux vers toi seront encore plus fort, j’aimerai tant que tu puisses y répondre. J’attends aussi Stéphane et Carole, heureuse surprise de Noël, cette pensée ramène de la joie dans mon cœur.
Catégorie : Hommage et partage
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